Struggles

In my last posts i mentioned that i was going through a hard time and needed some Prayers. I am still struggling, but If you have been Praying for me, I thank you very much. I don't think the power of prayer can be overestimated. If you would keep Praying, that would be simply wonderful.

So today i decided to kinda go out of my comfortable little circle and tell you a little about what I am struggling with.

You may or may not have heard the term "scrupulosity" or "scrupulous" before. It's also referred to as "the doubting decease" and "Religious OCD". The latter term gives you a better idea of what it is.

Basically, I have an "over developed conscience" if you will. At first you would think, "we'll isn't that a good thing? Having a well developed conscience is good to help you on the right path and keeps you out of trouble, right?"

Well, yes! Our consciences are a wonderful gift from God. I don't even want to think about what would happen if we had no conscience. But, the way my conscience works is a bit odd. Instead of being too lax about somethings, my conscience is too strict about somethings. It's hard to explain. I don't want to go into *too much* detail, but I do want to give you an idea of what's going on, not really so that you will "feel sorry for me" but to give you an understanding of what I am going through and also that you will be aware that other people are suffering from this also, and they need Prayers just as much as I do. Sometimes it's easier to Pray for people if you know what you are Praying for.

Basically, almost every mistake I make is a sin, and probably a mortal one, in my mind. Some how, somewhere, my mind sees a little venial sin as a mortal sin,
Even when it's not. Here is an example that may help you understand it a little.

A lot of times i will have obsessive "bad thoughts" which are basically just temptations. the temptation isn't a sin, right? It's when we give into it that it becomes a sin. we cant avoid simply having temptations. well, these "bad thoughts" that won't leave me alone, will almost send me into a panic attack about weather or not i brought up the thoughts and entertained them? was it a mortal sin? Should i go to Communion on Sunday? Maybe i should rush to confession right now? i probably have had a panic attack because of these things before. Then i end up feeling absolutely terrible and end up in quite a depressed mood. Then of course i start obsessing over wether or not feeling this way is despair, another sin, which makes me feel worse, and i end up as a sobbing mess.

That's just one example. And it's not just me who has these problems. Like i said above, there are more people with this condition. So many that there is even a newsletter that you can get called "Scrupulous anonymous" that is run by a Priest or a group of Priests, that is specifically meant to help scrupulous people overcome this condition. And believe me, it's no easy task.

So if you've been Praying, again, thank you a thousand times! Please continue to Pray if you would, but not just for me. Please pray for Healing for all scrupulous people. It's really tough and the fear and anxiety that comes with it sometimes feels like downright torture. Not all scrupulous people's scrupulosity is as bad as mine, but there are some who are worse off.

One more thing. I'm not trying to scare anyone into sinning more or anything. I don't want you to not have a well developed conscience. Our conscience is a good thing. Scruples can be a good thing if they don't get out of hand. These things where given to us to help us on our journey to Heaven. To stay away from sin, to avoid all evil, to help us please God more! Don't stop growing in your faith. Don't ever stop. This condition is just something that i have, along with others. It's not something that Happens overnight. It probably has something to do with how our brains work and change (hence the term "Religious OCD". OCD is a disorder of the mind)

Thanks for the Prayers, and please keep Praying!

God bless you! And have a wonderful Palm Sunday tomorrow!